Teaching Teens about Boundaries and Consent

As kids enter the teen years, their hormones kick into overdrive, prompting them to think about dating and intimate relationships. During this tumultuous time, you can help keep your child safe by talking to them about consent and boundaries.

The #MeToo movement, which gained prominence in 2017, has been instrumental in raising awareness about the importance of consent in sexual relationships. This movement revealed how several powerful men, counting on their victims’ silence, have used their positions to force women into sexual relationships.

Some parents are reluctant to discuss the topic because they think doing so sends the message that it’s okay for their teen to have sex. Teaching youth about consent, however, helps them avoid unhealthy situations, which will arise regardless of whether a parent talks about sex. Talking with teens about consent and boundaries positively influences their immediate behavior and has long-term benefits. Research shows, for example, that adults who received consent education as teens are more likely to engage in healthy, consensual relationships.

What’s the definition of consent?

A good definition of consent for teens is the following: each party freely and expressly agrees to engage in a particular activity with another, such as touching or being physically close. Consent requires that an individual understands what they’re agreeing to do and feels no pressure to comply. If a person engages in sexual activity without receiving such consent, they’ve committed sexual assault or rape.

How to talk about boundaries and consent with your teen

Keep in mind that consent and sexual boundaries shouldn’t be discussed with your teen in a single conversation. Instead, address these topics over a series of short, informal talks.

Try to approach the subject when your child is in a relaxed frame of mind, such as during a car ride. This can make the discussion less intimidating. Ask your teen what they know about consent so you can fill in gaps in their knowledge.

If you’re anxious about talking to your teen about this topic, remember that the more you have these conversations, the less awkward they get. Talking to you will make it easier for your child to broach the subject with relevant others, such as a boyfriend or girlfriend.

TV shows and movies are full of teachable moments about consent for kids. While watching a film, for example, you can ask your child, “I didn’t see that woman ask for consent. What could she have done differently?” While Hollywood generally does a poor job of modeling healthy ways to set boundaries and confirm consent, some programs, such as Netflix’s Sex Education get it right.

It’s also important to talk to your adolescent about body safety rules, including how to determine whether physical contact with another is becoming unhealthy. For example, it’s concerning if they feel pressured or forced into bodily contact, even contact as seemingly innocent as hugging or holding hands.

Teens may find it difficult to say “no” to sexual advances because they’re afraid of hurting a person’s feelings. Let your teen know that it’s okay to say, “I don’t feel comfortable with that. Let’s do something else instead.”

Remind your adolescent that consenting to one activity—such as kissing—doesn’t mean consenting to others. They should also know that they can revoke their consent at any time if they change their mind. To be valid, consent must be constantly renewed.

Also inform your teen that it’s okay to feel confused about whether they want to engage in a particular activity and to express these doubts to their partner.

Boundaries for teens: Teaching your teen to confirm consent

Equally important to teaching your child how to give consent is showing them how to confirm they have received it. Tell them to consider not only the other person’s words but also their body language. Sometimes, the two are radically different, and any lack of congruence must be assessed.

Encourage your teen not to take rejection personally. Remind them that while it may be upsetting to have someone spurn their advances, respecting other people’s boundaries is essential. Suggest they use phrases such as “Is this okay? and “Can I do this?” Remind your teen that if a partner is unconscious, is drunk, or has a mental disability, consent is invalid even when offered.

Some people think silence in response to sexual advances is consent. Tell your teen that only a clear “yes” qualifies as consent. Instead of assuming that a partner is agreeing to an activity, they should clarify by asking directly. Consent must be granted freely. Repeatedly asking someone until they give in and say “yes” isn’t consent—it’s pressure.

Teach your child the importance of maintaining consent. Individuals must consent every time an activity is performed, even if they’ve agreed to it previously. A “yes” at one time doesn’t mean indefinite consent.

Individuals also must check in periodically during a sexual activity with their partner to ensure that they’re still consenting. Consent can be withdrawn at any time. After all, people have the right to change their minds.

Remind your teen that consent isn’t just about sex. Other physical activities, such as cuddling and kissing also require it, as do activities such as borrowing others’ possessions.

When consent isn’t valid

Remind your child that consent isn’t valid if they feel pressured to give it, if they’re under the influence of drugs or alcohol, or if they become unconscious. Keep in mind that as with talking about sex, discussing alcohol and drug use doesn’t mean you’re condoning these activities. Such discussions instead help inform your child and keep them safe.

Discuss with your adolescent how power and privilege can make consent tricky. In relationships with a power imbalance, such as those between a camper and camp counselor or a student and teacher, it can be difficult for the less powerful person to say “no” to the more powerful person.

A teen might be afraid that a person with authority over them will punish them for not agreeing to have sex. However, consent can’t be given when an individual feels like they have no choice. In cases like these, tell your child that it’s best to report concerns to a trusted adult.

Teaching kids boundaries

One of the best ways to protect children from sexual abuse is to teach them about body boundaries. This means telling them that nobody, including relatives, has the right to touch them without their consent.

Allowing your child to say “no” to physical contact when they feel uncomfortable helps them hone their intuition, equipping them to steer clear of situations that feel unhealthy. By contrast, forcing them into unwanted contact undermines their ability to use their gut feelings to stay safe.

If your child feels uncomfortable hugging, teach them alternative ways to greet others, such as fist bumps and high fives. If a relative protests, address their concerns with statements such as “I think it’s fine that Lacie does not want to hug you right now” or “I’m teaching Lacie that she can say ‘no.’ She’s not trying to hurt your feelings.”

Consent in online interactions

These days, teens spend much of their lives online, where they encounter pressures unique to the digital world, such as to accept friend requests from people they don’t know or send nude photos of themselves.

Remind your teenager that they should never do anything they feel uncomfortable with, no matter how much someone is pushing them to. This can help protect them from sexual predators.

Also teach your teen that consent goes both ways. This means they shouldn’t post pictures of someone online without that person’s permission or geotag a friend before checking to see if it’s okay.

Boundaries for kids: How online counseling can help

If you think your teen requires professional assistance to understand consent or establish healthy boundaries, consider online teen therapy. It’s a great way to get them the help they need without having to find an appropriate local therapist, sit in crowded waiting rooms, or brave rush hour traffic.

This evidence-based approach has been proven highly effective in treating a variety of mental health issues that can arise from poor boundary setting, including depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. Online therapy allows adolescents to express thoughts and feelings without the pressure of face-to-face interactions, which is invaluable for those who feel embarrassed or self-conscious about seeking help.

Consent for kids: Final thoughts

Teaching boundaries to youth not only keeps them safe from abuse and trauma but also helps them develop and maintain healthy relationships throughout their lives. Understanding consent and setting appropriate boundaries will continue to serve them well long after their teenage years.