When you’re overwhelmed, your sense of humor is often the first thing to disappear, leaving you with only the weight of your stress.
You’ve likely been told to “just focus” or “take things seriously,” but that advice ignores a key part of your biology. That instinct to find the absurd in a crisis isn’t a flaw—it’s your brain’s built-in survival kit, a way to release pressure so you can keep going.
This guide will teach you the skill of healthy humor—not as a way to ignore reality, but as a tool to change your relationship with it.
Jump to a section
- Understanding humor as a coping skill
- The science: how humor helps your brain and body
- The 4 styles of humor: which ones help and which ones hurt
- Is your humor helping or hiding? a self-check guide
- How to build humor as a healthy coping skill
- When to be serious: situations where humor isn’t the answer
- A caregiver’s guide to using humor for stress
Key takeaways
- Humor is a recognized coping skill that can reduce stress and improve your mood.
- Your brain releases feel-good chemicals like endorphins when you laugh or find something funny.
- There are four styles of humor; two help you connect, and two can cause harm.
- Healthy humor is about finding perspective, not avoiding or hiding your feelings.
- You can learn to build humor as a practical skill, even when you don’t feel funny.
Understanding humor as a coping skill
Humor as a coping skill is the intentional act of using a lighter perspective to manage stress.
It’s not about ignoring your problems, but about creating a small pocket of relief in your mind. This mental shift can reduce the power a stressor has over you, making challenges feel more like manageable hurdles than impossible walls.
It’s a way to acknowledge difficulty without letting it completely take over. Using humor to cope is linked to less anxiety and a greater sense of well-being. In practice, it often looks like:
- Finding the absurd: Seeing the ridiculous side of a frustrating situation.
- Sharing a story: Recounting a personal mishap to connect with someone.
- Easing tension: Using a lighthearted joke to break a difficult silence.
- Reframing a thought: Intentionally looking for a funnier angle on a worry.
Ultimately, it’s a flexible tool that helps you either face a problem with more resilience or strengthen your connections with others when you need it most.
The science: how humor helps your brain and body
When you laugh, you’re not just distracting yourself. You are triggering a powerful series of changes in your brain and body that actively counteract stress.
This is why a funny video from a friend can sometimes feel more helpful than an hour of trying to “think positive.”
It lowers stress and anxiety levels
Humor acts as a natural circuit breaker for your body’s stress response by:
- Interrupting the mental loop of anxiety: This mental shift can soften the impact of stress, making overwhelming situations feel more manageable.
- Physically calming your stress response: A good laugh first increases, then decreases your heart rate and blood pressure, leaving you with a lasting feeling of calm.
It helps you process difficult emotions
Humor creates just enough distance from a painful feeling to let you look at it without being consumed, which helps you by:
- Changing your perspective on the pain: It’s a mental tool that helps you reframe difficult experiences, turning a source of pain into something you can observe.
- Creating the mental space needed to process: This small separation is key to processing emotions instead of just storing them away.
It improves your mood by releasing endorphins
The feeling of relief after a good laugh is a real biological event, driven by your brain’s internal pharmacy. It works by:
- Releasing natural mood-lifters: Laughter triggers the release of endorphins, your brain’s own feel-good chemicals that act like natural pain relievers and mood elevators.
- Providing an immediate sense of relief: This is why a genuine laugh can feel like a reset button, quickly counteracting negative feelings.
It strengthens your connection with other people
Shared laughter is one of the fastest ways to build a bridge between two people. It strengthens your social safety net by:
- Building genuine social bonds: When you laugh with someone, it helps you feel like you belong.
- Sending a non-verbal signal of safety: It’s a message that says, “I see you, and we’re on the same team,” which is a powerful buffer against stress.
The 4 styles of humor: which ones help and which ones hurt
Not all humor is created equal. It’s a tool that can either build connection or create distance, depending on how you use it. Understanding your own style is the first step to making sure your humor is working for you, not against you.
Healthy humor: using jokes to connect and feel better
There are two types of healthy humor. They focus on building resilience and strengthening bonds. They add to your well-being and the well-being of those around you.
Affiliative humor: sharing jokes with others
This is the humor of connection—the inside joke you text a friend during a boring meeting, or the funny story about your terrible commute that gets the whole table laughing. It’s about making people feel included and at ease. It’s healthy because it:
- Builds genuine social support: Sharing a laugh with someone strengthens your connection, which is a powerful buffer against stress.
- Improves your overall well-being: This style is a proven way to build higher self-esteem and feel better about your life.
Self-enhancing humor: finding amusement in life’s problems
This is your internal ability to find the humor in life’s frustrations—like when you lock your keys in the car and can’t help but laugh at the absurdity. It’s about maintaining a hopeful perspective in the face of stress. It’s a powerful skill because it:
- Helps you regulate your emotions: It’s a proven tool for reframing negative thoughts and improving your mood.
- Increases personal resilience: Finding the lighter side of a challenge is strongly associated with greater optimism and fewer health difficulties.
Unhealthy humor: when jokes are used to harm or hide
In contrast, these next two styles often come from a place of pain or insecurity. Over time, they can damage your mental health and your relationships.
Aggressive humor: making fun of others
This includes the sharp sarcasm that cuts someone down, the “just kidding” insult, or any joke made at someone else’s expense. The goal is often to assert dominance, but it comes at a cost. It’s considered unhealthy because it:
- Can damage relationships and create mistrust: While it might get a laugh, it often erodes the feeling of safety and respect in a relationship.
- Pushes people away: Over time, this style can isolate you from the very social support you need when you’re stressed.
Self-defeating humor: putting yourself down for a laugh
This is when someone compliments you, and your automatic reply is, “Oh, this old thing? I look ridiculous.” It’s self-criticism disguised as a joke, often used to beat others to the punch. It’s often harmful because it:
- Reinforces negative self-talk: It can normalize the idea that you are flawed or not good enough, even if you’re “just kidding.”
- Is strongly linked to poor mental health: This pattern of humor is firmly connected to lower self-esteem, anxiety, and depression.
Is your humor helping or hiding? a self-check guide
Healthy humor is a bridge to connection. Unhealthy humor is a wall you build to hide behind.
Signs your humor is a form of emotional avoidance
Emotional avoidance is the act of pushing away uncomfortable feelings instead of allowing yourself to experience them. Humor can become a go-to tool for this, creating a temporary distraction from the real issue.
You might be using humor to hide if you notice a pattern of:
- Deflecting serious conversations: When a friend asks how you’re really doing, you immediately make a joke instead of answering honestly.
- Minimizing your own pain: You consistently make light of a real struggle, preventing yourself and others from taking it seriously.
- Changing the subject when things get vulnerable: The moment a conversation touches on a raw emotion, you use a funny story to steer it into safer territory.
- Feeling empty after the laughter stops: The joke provides a moment of relief, but once it’s over, the original stress or sadness returns, sometimes even stronger.
Relying on humor this way can feel like a temporary escape, but it often prevents the genuine emotional processing needed for long-term healing.
A checklist to know if your humor is healthy
Take a moment to reflect on your own patterns. Healthy humor leaves you feeling better and more connected, not just distracted. Ask yourself:
- What was my intention? Was I trying to connect with someone and share a moment of lightness, or was I trying to stop a difficult feeling?
- How did I feel afterward? Did I feel a sense of relief and connection, or did I feel a pang of regret for not being honest?
- How did the other person react? Did they laugh with me and seem to feel closer, or did they look a little confused or shut down?
- Is this a pattern? Do I consistently use jokes to sidestep vulnerability with certain people or in specific situations?
If your answers suggest you’re using it to hide, that’s not a sign of failure—it’s a valuable insight into where you might need more support.
The next time you catch yourself making a joke to avoid a feeling, try this small experiment: pause for just one second and silently name the feeling you’re trying to avoid (e.g., “This is fear,” or “I’m feeling hurt”). You don’t have to say it out loud or stop the joke. Just noticing it for yourself is the first step toward change.
What is dark humor and when is it okay?
Dark humor is the art of finding jokes in serious, painful, or taboo subjects. For people in high-stress professions like emergency services or healthcare, or for those navigating a shared trauma, it can be an essential survival tool. It can be a healthy outlet when it:
- Creates connection with people who get it: It serves as a shorthand for a shared, difficult reality, making people feel less alone in their experience.
- Provides psychological distance: Making light of a grim situation can help you reframe it, making overwhelming emotions easier to process.
- Is used in the right context: It’s most appropriate among people who share the same lived experience and understand the unspoken rules.
However, dark humor becomes unhealthy when it’s used to dismiss someone else’s pain, when it punches down at a vulnerable group, or when it’s used in a setting where it will clearly cause distress. The key is consent and context. If it brings your group closer, it’s likely helping. If it isolates or hurts others, it’s causing harm.
How to build humor as a healthy coping skill
You don’t need to be a comedian to use humor as a tool. The only skill you need to start is noticing. From there, you can build a practice that feels right for you, especially on days when laughing feels out of reach.
Start by noticing the funny side of everyday life
The first step is simply to start paying attention to the small, absurd, or ironic moments around you. This simple habit of looking for the lighter side of life is a way to train your brain to be more resilient and less focused on threats.
How to keep a simple “humor diary”
This is a practical way to build your “noticing” muscle. It’s not about being a great writer; it’s about creating a record of relief.
- Get a small notebook or use a notes app: Keep it somewhere convenient.
- Each day, write down one thing: Note one moment that made you smile, laugh, or just feel a little lighter. It can be a single sentence.
- Be specific: Instead of “saw something funny,” write “My cat tried to jump on the counter and completely missed.”
This daily habit is a proven way to build a greater sense of well-being over time.
Create your personal “humor first-aid kit”
This is your personal, go-to collection of things that are guaranteed to make you smile, saved for moments when you feel stressed or overwhelmed. The key is to build this kit when you’re in a good mood, so it’s ready the moment you feel that stress start to build. Your kit could include:
- A playlist of your favorite funny videos: This could be stand-up comedy, viral clips, or funny animal videos.
- A folder on your phone: Save memes, screenshots, or comics that always make you laugh.
- A go-to person: The contact info for a friend you can always count on for a funny story or a lighthearted chat.
- Comfort media: A favorite comedy movie, TV show, or a funny book or podcast that feels like a warm blanket.
A 3-step guide to reframing a stressful thought
When you’re stuck on a worry, you can use humor to change your perspective. The goal isn’t to pretend the stress isn’t real; it’s to prove that your perspective is more powerful.
- Step 1: notice the stressful thought. Acknowledge it without judgment. For example: “I’m going to be so awkward at this party.”
- Step 2: exaggerate it to the point of absurdity. Take the thought and blow it completely out of proportion. “I’m going to be so awkward that the music will stop when I walk in. A spotlight will follow me as I trip over a chair and spill my drink on the host.”
- Step 3: find a small grain of truth in the absurdity. The exaggerated version helps you see the flaw in the original thought. The truth is, you might feel a little awkward, but the catastrophic scene you imagined is highly unlikely.
This kind of humorous reframing is a powerful way to change how your brain responds to stress.
Simple things to try when you don’t feel funny
On some days, you won’t have the energy to find the humor in anything, and that’s okay. On those days, you can “outsource” it. Instead of trying to create humor, you can:
- Watch something funny: Put on a show or movie you already know you love.
- Listen to a comedy podcast: Let someone else do the work of being funny for you.
- Ask a friend to tell you a funny story: Sharing a lighthearted moment with a friend can strengthen your social support system when you need it most.
When to be serious: situations where humor isn’t the answer
Using humor wisely isn’t just about being funny; it’s about being safe. Knowing when to be serious is the skill that protects your relationships and shows you truly understand.
How to read the room and understand social cues
The most important skill here is to shift your goal from performing to observing. Instead of asking, “What can I say to be funny?” ask, “What does this person or this room need from me right in this moment?” This simple change in perspective makes reading social cues almost automatic. Look for signs that people are not in a place for humor:
- Body language: Are people leaning in with serious expressions, or are they relaxed and open? Tense shoulders and crossed arms are often a sign to hold back.
- Tone of voice: Is the conversation quiet, slow, and earnest? Laughter is for moments of lightness, not for interrupting moments of deep connection.
- The topic itself: If the conversation is about a fresh grief, a serious diagnosis, or a personal crisis, your primary role is to listen and support, not to entertain.
When someone is sharing vulnerable feelings with you
When someone trusts you enough to share something painful or personal, your most important job is to hold that space for them. The urge to make a joke often comes from our own discomfort with their pain—we want to “fix it” or “cheer them up.”
But vulnerability needs validation, not a punchline. Instead of a joke, offer a simple, quiet sign that you’re listening. A nod, eye contact, or a simple phrase like, “That sounds incredibly hard,” is far more powerful.
What to do when someone’s jokes make you uncomfortable
Sometimes you’re on the receiving end of humor that doesn’t feel right. It might be an aggressive or self-defeating joke, or dark humor that crosses a line for you. You have a right to protect your own emotional state.
You don’t need to be confrontational. You can set a gentle boundary with a simple, honest statement. Try saying:
- “I know you’re trying to be funny, but I’m not in a great place for jokes about that right now.”
- “Can we switch topics? This one is a little heavy for me.”
During a crisis or an important, serious conversation
In an emergency or a critical conversation—like discussing a medical issue with a doctor or navigating a major life decision—clarity is everything. Humor, even when well-intentioned, can create confusion or make it seem like you’re not taking the situation seriously.
In these moments, switch to clear, direct, and earnest communication. The goal is understanding, not amusement. Save the jokes for when the crisis has passed and you’re processing it together later.
A caregiver’s guide to using humor for stress
When you’re a caregiver, the weight of responsibility can feel relentless. In the middle of the chaos, humor isn’t a luxury; it’s a lifeline that can protect your well-being and strengthen your bond with the person you care for.
Why finding things to laugh about is essential for caregivers
The constant demands of caregiving can drain your emotional reserves. Humor is a powerful tool for refilling that well, even just a little at a time.
It’s not about pretending things aren’t hard. It’s about permitting yourself to experience joy and exhaustion in the same five minutes.
Finding a moment to laugh on a difficult day can reduce anxiety and make challenges feel more manageable. It also models resilience for the person you support. The next time you feel that wave of caregiver stress, your only job is to ask, “Is there one small, ridiculous thing in this moment?” You don’t have to laugh, just look for it.
Using humor to connect during tough times
Shared laughter is a language that cuts through fear and tension. It’s a way to connect on a human level, especially when conversations are hard.
- It reinforces your bond: Humor creates a small, safe bubble for both of you, strengthening your connection during a time when you both need it most.
- It can make difficult moments easier: An inside joke or a funny story can provide a moment of relief during a scary procedure or a long wait at the doctor’s office.
- It creates positive memories: Even in the middle of a hard chapter, moments of shared laughter can become the memories that stand out, reminding you both of your shared strength.
Practical tips for finding lightness on the hardest days
On the days when you feel you have nothing left to give, you don’t have to invent humor from scratch. You just need to have a few simple tools ready.
- Keep a “Moment of the Day” list: On your phone, jot down one funny or absurd thing that happened. Reading it later is a direct line back to a moment of joy.
- Find your caregiver community: Connect with others who understand your reality. Support groups that encourage laughter are a powerful reminder that you aren’t alone.
- Prescribe yourself a comedy: Have a go-to funny movie or show ready for the end of a hard day. Sometimes, the easiest way to feel better is to let someone else be funny for you.
If you need support now
If you are in crisis or feel you are in danger, please use these resources.
- 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988 from anywhere in the U.S. You will be connected to a trained crisis counselor for free, 24/7 support.
- Emergency Services: If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room.
- Crisis Text Line: Text “HOME” to 741741 to connect with a volunteer crisis counselor.
Frequently asked questions
Hope for your journey
Learning to use humor as a skill isn’t about forcing yourself to be happy. It’s about the small, intentional act of looking for a moment of lightness in a heavy day. Start by noticing one absurd or funny thing, right now, without judgment. That moment of noticing is how you learn to listen to yourself again.
Care at Modern Recovery Services
When stress becomes a constant, crushing weight, it can steal your energy and your perspective, leaving you feeling isolated. At Modern Recovery Services, you’ll work with a compassionate clinical expert to build a reliable path forward, one manageable step at a time.
Author: Modern Recovery Editorial Team
JULY 20, 2023